I've been working hard to write this blog with out the clouds of blame and bitterness hanging overhead. Unfortunately, some days I think the sun just isn't bright enough to burn off those clouds. I get a little bitter when I'm told I cannot have any money for living expenses. I can't have money for gas. He'd rather meet me at the gas station to fill the tank himself. I don't have any money for activities with the boys, or hot lunch programs, or after school activities. He has to cover that. Shampoo, toothpaste, lotions, t-shirts for boys, jeans that fit Matthew.... all things I have to ask permission to receive the money to make those purchases. It's a control freak's dream come true (sorry, :)). I can't stay because I'll lose it, truly go crazy. I can't leave because I, literally, can't afford it and will lose boys. I'm trapped!
Does he win?? Not when I continue to do what I know is right.... When this process is over, I don't want to have regrets about the way I've treated someone. I want to be able to look my boys in the eyes and tell them that Mommy truly did what was best for them at the time. No shame. I want to teach my boys that they can survive devastating life changes with their heads held high. This will not define who we become, only where we've been.
So, for now, I may grovel just for a minute. Tomorrow I know will be brighter, if for no other reason than the fact that we have soccer. I have loved coaching Matthew's soccer team. There is something about watching a group of 5 year olds chase a soccer ball in the general direction of the goal. Sheer joy in the middle of what has become a pretty chaotic situation. The chaos will pass though. It always does..... What will stay with me forever is how I handle this particular situation. I have the tools to be a solid role model for my children and to get through this with out having to go back and make amends for my behavior. That's the hit right there.....
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